Quiero hacer milagros con palabras pero no se me encuentran, así que me voy a esconderme dentro canciones y libros que sí hacen maravillas.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

"Todos querríamos tener una armadura que nos proteja del dolor. Pero uno levanta una pared para protegerse de lo que viene de afuera y al final descubre que se ha quedado encerrado."

Marcelo Figueras, Kamtchatka.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

voel
de nevel op je ogen
de regen in je hoofd

voel
je longen
schreeuwen om frisse lucht,

een wind die
de storm ontketent

waar ik achterblijf
een wolk vol zon
een waterval aan hoop

-wat rest er mij nog dan
de woorden waar ik zo van hou

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

Tutto regolare mi sta stretto

[dARI]

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

home

When I'm home for an extended period of time, I always miss my other homes.
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

La Ley - A veces / Soms (onder voorbehoud)

A veces

A veces cuando yo me pierdo
y busco una motivación
las cosas caen y no las siento
no sé a donde voy

Buscame dulce amor
Buscame dulce amor

A veces cuando pasa el tiempo
y veo el cielo oscurecer
las cosas pasan y no las siento
ya no es como el ayer
A veces cuando pasa el tiempo
y veo el cielo oscurecer
las cosas caen y no las siento
no sé a donde voy

Buscame dulce amor
Buscame dulce amor

Soms

Soms wanneer ik mezelf verlies
en ik een motivatie zoek
vallen de dingen en ik merk het niet
waarheen ik ga weet ik niet

Zoek mij dan, mijn teder lief
Zoek mij dan, mijn teder lief

Soms wanneer de tijd voorbijgaat
en ik de hemel zie verdonkeren
gaan de dingen onopgemerkt voorbij
niets is nog als het gisteren was
Soms wanneer de tijd voorbijgaat
en ik de hemel zie verdonkeren
vallen de dingen en ik merk het niet
waarheen ik ga weet ik niet

Zoek mij dan, mijn teder lief
Zoek mij dan, mijn teder lief

-onder voorbehoud. voorlopig het enige dat min of meer okay uitdraaide.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

want dromen mag

Op een dag zal ik het weten. Wat ik wél wil doen. Wat ik zal aanvangen met de diploma's die ik aan het behalen ben. Met alle talen die ik (nog) wil leren.
Die dag zal ik wakker worden en ik zal niet denken dat de rest van mijn leven begonnen is, want elke dag is het begin van wat er nog rest. Een nieuw begin, telkens weer.
Op een dag zal ik niet langer jaloers zijn op diegenen die schijnbaar hun bestemming en hun plaats al hebben gevonden, want ik zal mezelf overstijgen.
Die dag komt dichter, ik voel het, want ik breek uit. Elke dag zet ik een stapje voorwaarts en ben ik een heel klein beetje zekerder. Tot op de dag dat ik zal kunnen wegvliegen. Mijn vlucht zal geen voorbeeld van perfecte elegantie zijn, want perfectie beheers ik niet. Maar met de wijsheid die ik onderweg zal winnen, zal mijn vlucht in al zijn imperfectie perfect zijn.
Tot zolang zal ik spelen met de woorden die mij gegeven zijn.
Tot zolang zal ik dromen. Over wat ik wil bereiken, wie ik zal ontmoeten.

Want dromen mag. En hoop doet leven.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

the motivation proclamation

Yeah, Good Charlotte, I can't help it. After all these years, I still love those cds. They remind me of how they used to make me feel, of the reason I did hold on.

[you are strong. you can handle the world.]

I remember one day in the car. Driving to school with mom. I was listening to my MP3-player, or maybe I just popped The Young and the Hopeless into the car's CD-player. Say Anything came on, & it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away from my mom, because I didn't want her to see. I didn't want her to see how much of a hard time I was having (even though now I know I shouldn't have cared that much. Now I know I should have realized I had other, better friends, that were there for me, but I pushed them away. Now I know I am to blame too -I should not have withdrawn into myself so much.), I didn't want her to know I was aching so much over something so endlessly normal & stupid.

Some say that time changes
best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that
no, not for you
If you just stay with me
we can make it through

How I wished those words were true... They weren't in my case, but at least they gave me hope, something to hold on to. The energy Good Charlotte procured me with... They made me feel alright walking down the streets.

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
Hold on

Yeah, Hold On (or any other song from The Young and the Hopeless) resonated in my ears & I would never let go.

I don't think I've ever wished for an album to come out as much as i wanted The Chronicles of Life and Death to be released... & by the time it did, those songs applied to my life so much, even when my troubles situated themselves on a friendship level. Of course years later, Good Morning Revival is nowhere near as good, simply because I was at a different stage in my own life.
Good Charlotte evolved as a band in a great way: they grew up, and their sound changed accordingly, as well as the things they're busy with. And that's alright. I just didn't follow. I relate to bands on an emotional level, & when, on a particular cd, I can't extract any emotion going on in my life at the time, I just won't like it as much. But so what? I always will be grateful for those songs that did make me hang in there.

They're just simply one of the bands that shaped me in many ways. And maybe their (or any other band's) music wasn't able to keep me from doing stupid things, but at least they gave me enough hope to keep from doing anything much more stupid & irreversible. Those bands that are the soundtrack of my teenage life have functioned as my backup for years: I lacked the right people (thruthfully, they were there all along, I just wasn't able to recognize them), so I found the right music.

But back to the title of this post: The Motivation Proclamation.
I was thinking about this, because I don't really know what to do with my life right now. Or at least, at the level of studies. On the future after that as well. I'm kind of really losing interest in what I'm studying right now, but I have to hold on... At least , if I keep on working really hard, until my bachelorpaper & exams are done, I could finally have the bachelor degree. & yes, I want to go for the master, but I don't know if I want to do so next year. I'm scared shitless. I'm scared because it took me two years already to get that bachelorpaper done, & even so, it isn't nowhere near finished yet. I feel as if I'm blocked somehow. Like I can't write anymore. So what's it going to be like on this masterthesis?
The thought of having to do a training is somehow painful as well. I know I want to do this, the thought is just scaring me.
Also taking extra Spanish classes this year has made me realize that I really do like languages. To the point of wondering why I didn't pick languages over communication in the first place. But then again, straight out of high school I think I'd have picked the wrong languages to study anyway. I don't regret having chosen communication. It's just that after 4 years, I've got the feeling that I've really had it. That I keep on learning the same stuff in every course over & over again. I feel no motivation whatsoever right now to go on. Having to retake my 3d year didn't do my confidence any good. I know that I put myself in this place, & no one else did. It is my own fault, & if this year I'm facing the same problem, it's really because I didn't do anything. & yet it makes me feel as if I'm not smart enough anymore. It scares me shitless, for all the wrong reasons obviously. I have the power within myself to change everything. I only have to find it. And there's the problem: the motivation's gone.
The fact that I don't know what the hell I want to do when I finally get that degree, isn't really helping. It makes me jealous of people who obviously do know what they want from their lives, and are already working on realizing those dreams. At the tender age of (almost) 22, I have no idea.

So what am I to do? Finish this year first, get the bachelor degree. And then?
Right now I'm thinking about doing an extra year to be able to follow a master either in tolking, translating or multilingual communication. I only have to figure out which language I like better, or better said, which language will serve me best: Spanish or Italian. Because those are the ones that I'd like to learn the most, but I don't think that I can take them as both the basic languages. I'd have to combine either of them with German (or French or English, but I think I'll pick German: I don't master French nor English perfectly but at least I'm quite fluent at both, whereas I don't speak any German. That's a shame, it should be obligated in this country, it's one of our official languages for f*ck's sake). Which of course doesn't mean I can't learn all three. I'll have the choice of picking a third language, but probably the lessons won't be as extensive/deep as for the two basic ones.
After that degree, finally get the master in communication, and maybe going on Erasmus in either Spain or Italy. But then again, what if I completely forget everything I've studied for the past 4 years? What if I'll be "out of it"? Maybe I'm making it so much harder on myself. Maybe I should just hang in there for just another year. And then I can still decide about those languages. I can still learn them anytime in my life. My options for the other master I still want to get won't run. Point is, I have to make a decision.

The only thing holding me back is that this involves a scedule to follow on the long term. Here's another thing that scares me... I never really thought things through on the long term. I just jumped into these college studies, not knowing what I wanted to achieve with that, only thinking about tomorrow, only knowing that I had/wanted to get some kind of degree. Sometimes I think I don't plan anything on the long term simply because I don't care enough. About anything. I live for my friends & the music that keeps me sane. Of course that's partly a lie. There's much more than that. I do know what I do NOT want from this life, and I am working on avoiding that. I know what I care about the most. That's a start, right?

& now feeling as if I've repeated myself a thousand times, I'll end with this:

So here it is, the motivation proclamation. Here's to holding on & get that degree, here's to deciding what I'll do next year, here's to figuring out what I'd like to do professionaly, here's to figuring out my life.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

Dagdromen

Exaams, aah. Het moment dat je je plots realiseert dat je eender wat anders wil gaan doen. Dat je wilde plannen maakt over wat je volgend jaar wil gaan doen, of dingen bedenkt die je dringend eens moet uitvoeren. Dat je het gehad hebt met whatever it is dat je studeert. Om, eenmaal de exaams voorbij, tot de constatatie te komen dat je toch goed zit in je richting, dat je toekomstplannen niet zo realistisch zijn en wat zo dringend leek, saai is en helemaal niet dringend.

& toch. Ik krijg hoe langer hoe meer het gevoel dat ik achter de schermen de muziekwereld in wil. Niets nieuw: al zo lang droom ik ervan... Maar vaag. Producer, manager, noem maar op: alles was goed om over te dromen. De vuilbak in met die dagdromen: mijn muzikaal talent is zeer middelmatig, mijn ritmegevoel onder het gemiddelde, dus laat staan dat ik iets dat boven de middelmaat uitsteekt als producer in elkaar zou kunnen boxen. Mijn economisch gedachtegoed & andere managment skills zijn onderontwikkeld, zo blijkt, en veel aspiratie om ze te stimuleren ontbreek ik ook. Bijgevolg heb ik alles uit mn hoofd gezet en beweerd dat ik helemaal niet wist wat ik wou/wil gaan doen. En dat is ook zo. Wat ik precies wil doen, weet ik nog steeds niet. Maar iets, eender wat, met muziek zal het zijn. De wil om uit mijn hoekje te kruipen, iets te betekenen op mijn manier, muzikanten te ontmoeten, met muziek kunnen bezig zijn, de muzieksector helemaal te ontdekken... wordt sterker elke dag.
Misschien moet ik eens beginnen met mijn examens (hopelijk) tot een goed einde te brengen, te beslissen waar ik mijn thesis over wil schrijven (oh, de onzekerheid...) en mij achter die sollicitatiebrief te zetten voor een stage bij Poppunt. First things first, tenslotte.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]

i didn't want to anymore. then why's it got to hurt this way?
just false pretend?

even in all his absense he's always with me. he's in my heart, in my soul. now every bit of me hurts & i didn't see it coming. & all i want, is for the pain to stop at once.

to rip my heart out and take all the pain away. if only i could... i would.

[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]
[.: i know i'm not crazy, i just lost my will :.]