Life, Pt [?]

De juiste woorden vinden om de pijn en onzekerheid die zo onredelijk diep verankerd in me zitten, uit te drukken en van me af te leggen. Van dag tot dag, het blijft een gevecht.

Life still seems like the little box I want to get out of. I don't know what it is I want so desperately, but I'll have to think bigger than the place where I live. For starters, I guess. A year back from now, I was envisioning a long awaited change. A chance to think outside my box, to be outside my box. It was hard, it was great, I've been desperate and intensely happy. It was every bit a roller coaster ride & I'd do it all over again. But now it seems as if I'm stuck again. The black hole is gaping below me and I'm scared I'm falling into it all over again. My energy levels haven't been so low in a long time, sleep doesn't come easy, I can't remember anything & sometimes, I just want to sleep through the day and not wake up until a million years later & I feel better. I have to fight. Going to Spain has helped me in a lot of ways, but it hasn't helped me conquer my fears and doubts. Too many days the world seems like a big black blur. It takes patience and perseverance and some days I can't find any. I have to finish my studies, I want to finish them. At the same time I'm so disappointed and scared I want to stop altogether. And then there's the blur again. What in hell am I going to do with those diplomas? What do I want? What do I need in order to feel happy, to be happy? Questions keep popping up as I can't answer any. What is it that keeps me back? What do I want to do with this life? I didn't ask for it, and yet here I am. So make the best of it. But how? What will make it feel valuable and every second worth it, at least to me? I want to feel free, I don't want my life laid out for me. I need a broader horizon than the one I can envision here. People seem to be realistically narrow-minded and I want to dream. I want to help people in some way and I want music to somehow be a part of my life. I want change and a freedom that allows me to think big. Get rid of the doubt, in the first place. I have to study, make new year's wishes and fight the demons that still haunt me. Al final, me quedo quieta de querer hacer todo a la vez.

[.: Because time gets harder to outrun And I'm nobody, I'm not done :.]

*Find the right words to express and get rid of the pain and the uncertainty that is so unreasonably and deeply rooted in me. It remains a fight, day to day.

*In the end, wanting everything at once, I keep still.

 

Twenty something dreams

These are my not-equally-realistic-nor-equally-desired twenty something dreams. Teenage dreams -revisited, really.

• Create the ideal festival line-up and preferably have the band perform a private and/or acoustic set. I'd start with Kings of Leon, Something Corporate, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains. Not necessarily in that order.
• Call myself Master in Communication sciences / Translation [After 7 seven years I deserve them titles, no?]
• Write the lyrics to an amazing song or write a book
• Have a song written about me
• Translate a book. Preferably by Jaime Bayly or Albert Espinosa. Not a French one in each case, a Spanish one.
• Wear a blue wedding dress [If I ever do get married, of course]
• Make a world trip and fall in love with a thousand views.
• Fall in love tout court.
• Learn another three languages. To start with.
• Be a godmother [in progress]
• Feel free of all doubt [even for the briefest moment]
• Make a difference [even the slightest, to only one person] 
• Go to Latin-America. Argentina, Mexico, Cuba, Brazil, Chile, Paraguay, Venezuela, you get the picture.
• Go to Latin-America and learn a local dance. Tango?
• Compose the soundtrack of my life, never get tired of it and blast all the songs through the stereo at the same time. Or maybe I should just select my favorite part of each song.
• Always find the right words. At the right time. In the right order.

[.: I've never been so lost, I've never felt so much at home :.]