Yeah, Good Charlotte, I can't help it. After all these years, I still love those cds. They remind me of how they used to make me feel, of the reason I did hold on.
[you are strong. you can handle the world.]
I remember one day in the car. Driving to school with mom. I was listening to my MP3-player, or maybe I just popped The Young and the Hopeless into the car's CD-player. Say Anything came on, & it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away from my mom, because I didn't want her to see. I didn't want her to see how much of a hard time I was having (even though now I know I shouldn't have cared that much. Now I know I should have realized I had other, better friends, that were there for me, but I pushed them away. Now I know I am to blame too -I should not have withdrawn into myself so much.), I didn't want her to know I was aching so much over something so endlessly normal & stupid.
Some say that time changes
best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that
no, not for you
If you just stay with me
we can make it through
best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that
no, not for you
If you just stay with me
we can make it through
How I wished those words were true... They weren't in my case, but at least they gave me hope, something to hold on to. The energy Good Charlotte procured me with... They made me feel alright walking down the streets.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
Hold on
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
Hold on
Yeah, Hold On (or any other song from The Young and the Hopeless) resonated in my ears & I would never let go.
I don't think I've ever wished for an album to come out as much as i wanted The Chronicles of Life and Death to be released... & by the time it did, those songs applied to my life so much, even when my troubles situated themselves on a friendship level. Of course years later, Good Morning Revival is nowhere near as good, simply because I was at a different stage in my own life.
Good Charlotte evolved as a band in a great way: they grew up, and their sound changed accordingly, as well as the things they're busy with. And that's alright. I just didn't follow. I relate to bands on an emotional level, & when, on a particular cd, I can't extract any emotion going on in my life at the time, I just won't like it as much. But so what? I always will be grateful for those songs that did make me hang in there.
Good Charlotte evolved as a band in a great way: they grew up, and their sound changed accordingly, as well as the things they're busy with. And that's alright. I just didn't follow. I relate to bands on an emotional level, & when, on a particular cd, I can't extract any emotion going on in my life at the time, I just won't like it as much. But so what? I always will be grateful for those songs that did make me hang in there.
They're just simply one of the bands that shaped me in many ways. And maybe their (or any other band's) music wasn't able to keep me from doing stupid things, but at least they gave me enough hope to keep from doing anything much more stupid & irreversible. Those bands that are the soundtrack of my teenage life have functioned as my backup for years: I lacked the right people (thruthfully, they were there all along, I just wasn't able to recognize them), so I found the right music.
But back to the title of this post: The Motivation Proclamation.
I was thinking about this, because I don't really know what to do with my life right now. Or at least, at the level of studies. On the future after that as well. I'm kind of really losing interest in what I'm studying right now, but I have to hold on... At least , if I keep on working really hard, until my bachelorpaper & exams are done, I could finally have the bachelor degree. & yes, I want to go for the master, but I don't know if I want to do so next year. I'm scared shitless. I'm scared because it took me two years already to get that bachelorpaper done, & even so, it isn't nowhere near finished yet. I feel as if I'm blocked somehow. Like I can't write anymore. So what's it going to be like on this masterthesis?
The thought of having to do a training is somehow painful as well. I know I want to do this, the thought is just scaring me.
Also taking extra Spanish classes this year has made me realize that I really do like languages. To the point of wondering why I didn't pick languages over communication in the first place. But then again, straight out of high school I think I'd have picked the wrong languages to study anyway. I don't regret having chosen communication. It's just that after 4 years, I've got the feeling that I've really had it. That I keep on learning the same stuff in every course over & over again. I feel no motivation whatsoever right now to go on. Having to retake my 3d year didn't do my confidence any good. I know that I put myself in this place, & no one else did. It is my own fault, & if this year I'm facing the same problem, it's really because I didn't do anything. & yet it makes me feel as if I'm not smart enough anymore. It scares me shitless, for all the wrong reasons obviously. I have the power within myself to change everything. I only have to find it. And there's the problem: the motivation's gone.
The fact that I don't know what the hell I want to do when I finally get that degree, isn't really helping. It makes me jealous of people who obviously do know what they want from their lives, and are already working on realizing those dreams. At the tender age of (almost) 22, I have no idea.
I was thinking about this, because I don't really know what to do with my life right now. Or at least, at the level of studies. On the future after that as well. I'm kind of really losing interest in what I'm studying right now, but I have to hold on... At least , if I keep on working really hard, until my bachelorpaper & exams are done, I could finally have the bachelor degree. & yes, I want to go for the master, but I don't know if I want to do so next year. I'm scared shitless. I'm scared because it took me two years already to get that bachelorpaper done, & even so, it isn't nowhere near finished yet. I feel as if I'm blocked somehow. Like I can't write anymore. So what's it going to be like on this masterthesis?
The thought of having to do a training is somehow painful as well. I know I want to do this, the thought is just scaring me.
Also taking extra Spanish classes this year has made me realize that I really do like languages. To the point of wondering why I didn't pick languages over communication in the first place. But then again, straight out of high school I think I'd have picked the wrong languages to study anyway. I don't regret having chosen communication. It's just that after 4 years, I've got the feeling that I've really had it. That I keep on learning the same stuff in every course over & over again. I feel no motivation whatsoever right now to go on. Having to retake my 3d year didn't do my confidence any good. I know that I put myself in this place, & no one else did. It is my own fault, & if this year I'm facing the same problem, it's really because I didn't do anything. & yet it makes me feel as if I'm not smart enough anymore. It scares me shitless, for all the wrong reasons obviously. I have the power within myself to change everything. I only have to find it. And there's the problem: the motivation's gone.
The fact that I don't know what the hell I want to do when I finally get that degree, isn't really helping. It makes me jealous of people who obviously do know what they want from their lives, and are already working on realizing those dreams. At the tender age of (almost) 22, I have no idea.
So what am I to do? Finish this year first, get the bachelor degree. And then?
Right now I'm thinking about doing an extra year to be able to follow a master either in tolking, translating or multilingual communication. I only have to figure out which language I like better, or better said, which language will serve me best: Spanish or Italian. Because those are the ones that I'd like to learn the most, but I don't think that I can take them as both the basic languages. I'd have to combine either of them with German (or French or English, but I think I'll pick German: I don't master French nor English perfectly but at least I'm quite fluent at both, whereas I don't speak any German. That's a shame, it should be obligated in this country, it's one of our official languages for f*ck's sake). Which of course doesn't mean I can't learn all three. I'll have the choice of picking a third language, but probably the lessons won't be as extensive/deep as for the two basic ones.
After that degree, finally get the master in communication, and maybe going on Erasmus in either Spain or Italy. But then again, what if I completely forget everything I've studied for the past 4 years? What if I'll be "out of it"? Maybe I'm making it so much harder on myself. Maybe I should just hang in there for just another year. And then I can still decide about those languages. I can still learn them anytime in my life. My options for the other master I still want to get won't run. Point is, I have to make a decision.
Right now I'm thinking about doing an extra year to be able to follow a master either in tolking, translating or multilingual communication. I only have to figure out which language I like better, or better said, which language will serve me best: Spanish or Italian. Because those are the ones that I'd like to learn the most, but I don't think that I can take them as both the basic languages. I'd have to combine either of them with German (or French or English, but I think I'll pick German: I don't master French nor English perfectly but at least I'm quite fluent at both, whereas I don't speak any German. That's a shame, it should be obligated in this country, it's one of our official languages for f*ck's sake). Which of course doesn't mean I can't learn all three. I'll have the choice of picking a third language, but probably the lessons won't be as extensive/deep as for the two basic ones.
After that degree, finally get the master in communication, and maybe going on Erasmus in either Spain or Italy. But then again, what if I completely forget everything I've studied for the past 4 years? What if I'll be "out of it"? Maybe I'm making it so much harder on myself. Maybe I should just hang in there for just another year. And then I can still decide about those languages. I can still learn them anytime in my life. My options for the other master I still want to get won't run. Point is, I have to make a decision.
The only thing holding me back is that this involves a scedule to follow on the long term. Here's another thing that scares me... I never really thought things through on the long term. I just jumped into these college studies, not knowing what I wanted to achieve with that, only thinking about tomorrow, only knowing that I had/wanted to get some kind of degree. Sometimes I think I don't plan anything on the long term simply because I don't care enough. About anything. I live for my friends & the music that keeps me sane. Of course that's partly a lie. There's much more than that. I do know what I do NOT want from this life, and I am working on avoiding that. I know what I care about the most. That's a start, right?
& now feeling as if I've repeated myself a thousand times, I'll end with this:
So here it is, the motivation proclamation. Here's to holding on & get that degree, here's to deciding what I'll do next year, here's to figuring out what I'd like to do professionaly, here's to figuring out my life.
[.: all the while i was dreaming of revelry :.]
